While we are on the topic of Pride

Pride was a very fun event for me this year. I haven't been to Houston Pride in like 5 years, but I have a feeling I will probably go back again next year...as it was SO much fun. As always, I am coming back with some juicy ripe stories to tell about what went on this year. First off, nothing really that interesting happened until the end of the night. Jason, Rob, and I split from the rest of the peeps to run off to South Beach to drink, I wanted to dance, but nobody else wanted to. Some porn guy was there. Zeb Atlas was his name and he was monster huge. Anyway, I ran into some Austin people, danced with a lesbian for a couple songs, used the bathroom several times, and Jason was ready to go. We had been to the Ripcord earlier that night, and we were like the hottest things there, so he wanted to go back and be admired. Of course, the crowd is usually horrendous and I feel slightly offended that I am the hottest thing in the bar, but that is me being a victim of circumstance. SO, we went on back over and Jason went to the bathroom where some guy we had seen at the parade was checking him out, which peeked Jason's interest...for no other reason but the guy was interested in him. I was hitting my boredom threshold and was like...NO NO NO, you are NOT going to be all chatty with someone at THIS bar. Of course, there is no talking sense into him and I let him go on his way to talk to this guy. SO, while he runs off, I am standing there watching him to make sure he doesn't need help and this little twinky gnome with glasses and goofy 50's esque James Dean hair comes up to me and leans on a pole and lifts his shirt up to show his bare stomach. He had a little friend with him that grabbed my bicep and was like..."you have really big muscles", to which I reply..."I know right." At this point of the night I was NOT having it, and 99% of the time I don't hook up with people when I go anywhere. It is not me, and I don't think it will ever be. SO, the gnerd starts talking to me in this raspy snake voice and asks..."do you like what you see...aren't you going to touch it?" (as he rolls his hands up and down his anorexic body). I give him one of my patented "leave me the hell alone" looks and say..."Um...no to both". What...you think you are too big for me? As a matter of fact yes, and I am just waiting on my friend. At this point, the friend of his, who was a cute little black kid was EXTREMELY mortified and mouthing "I am SO sorry". The gnerd kept standing there playing with his stomach like it was a fiddle. I kept ignoring him, all the while laughing hysterically in my head while being pissed at the same time that I was left there to deal with this. Eventually, the friend screamed, he is NOT interested and they went on their way. THEN, it got EVEN better. I am standing, watching Jason and I get cruised heavily by some very unattractive men who felt the need to stop in their tracks to stare. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone standing next to me and sense that he is about to start talking. I turn to look and it is this grody hispanic man with shark teeth and skin that can only be compared to that of a burn victim (but he wasn't a burn victim) and he starts talking to me, asking me if I come there often (NO) and if I live in Houston (NO) and if I like the bar (NO) and if I come to Houston much (NO) and did I have a happy pride (I WAS). He goes on to tell me how he has lived in Houston and is settling his father's estate and it has taken a year and it still isn't done and he keeps begging his mom to let him come back to NYC, because he is from NYC and loves to go to The Eagle. He also explains that old men like to take him to dinners, and I think...you look pretty old yourself, how old are these men taking you out, and why are you telling me because I am 29. Then he says he has to stay because his father's estate is valued at $4 million and with that I passed the threshold and went over the edge thinking...$4 million...really? Is that supposed to impress me because 1) if you are related to anyone that has that kind of money get some damn braces, a board certified dermatologist, and get your ass to at least Old Navy or Gap to get some decent fashions because the tapered leg high waters, while very useful with all the rain we are having, aren't EVER going to be in fashion. 2) Money doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I mean, I would love to be rich and do as little as possible, but money isn't something that will make a person more attractive to me (you either float my boat or you don't, and he wasn't). 3) Liars are not hot. At this point, I bring out the bullshit guns blazing. I look at him and, in my best I will make you feel special while insulting you to your face tone I start my own story. Oh really? That's tough. I know what it is like to deal with family and when one of them has money dies. My grandmother passed away 4 years ago and we just now got her estate settled, of course her estate was valued at over $27 million and all of the cousins came crawling out of the woodwork like you wouldn't believe. In the end, I am getting about $8.5 million of that, and hopefully everything will be finalized at the end of July. I. CAN'T. WAIT, but good luck with your dad's stuff. He didn't say much after that, and at that moment Jason popped up and said..."time to go...now". Why Jason...whatever happened with you and your guy? Well, we were talking and then at the end he said something that kind of killed the deal for me. Do you want to know what it was? Um..he has warts, the clap, a third nipple, six toes on one foot? No, he told me that he wanted to take me home so that I could.... Normally, I would finish that sentence, but I think I will leave it to imaginations because it is totally disgusting and had the floor of the Ripcord been as clean as the rain water soaked ditch that runs along the street I would have fallen out on the floor and rolled around in hilarity and disgust. Any guesses as to what he wanted? And BTW, the person that guesses it...there will be no words.